I guess I should have known that college would demand so much more of my time than high school. Deep down, I did know, but I didn’t know how much.
I also didn’t know that college (if I let it and I have, unfortunately) drain me of self-esteem.
I didn’t know how much I cared about my work until I started going to this school. For a while, I floated through my art classes, doing just enough to get by. My literature class was easy to me because it was literature. It involved words and sentences and rules about not having sentence fragments.
These drawing classes caused me to shut down, due to the lack of rules and “anything goes” way of doing things.
“I don’t know if I’m doing this right,” I would say, staring down at a blank sheet of paper. I was supposed to be sketching, but sketching what? All of my previous sketches had been thrown out before I had finished them. I was lost on what to do and threw out what didn’t feel right.
Everything was free to be interpreted.
“Find three complex shapes and draw them,” the paper says.
“Three complex shapes? What do you mean by complex?” I look down at the paper.
Nothing. I had to figure it out myself. And I was often wrong. Due to my lack of artistic skills, my drawings turned out god-awful.
The latest project for my design class sealed the deal for me. I snapped awake when I stared at my classmates’ projects, all beautiful and intricate, and then mine, clearly done last minute. A poor attempt.
It was clear my classmates had spent hours on their work, and I had done so, too, but I didn’t have any idea of where I was going. They had plans and sketches of what the finished product would look like.
I treated the work like it was just something to do. Not something that would give me a grade. It showed.
Long story short, I’ve woken up. I’ve decided to let old things go, such as giving these art classes half of my time and trying to get enough sleep. I’m going to give these art classes everything I’ve got and do the same for the literature class.
My grades are dropping below satisfactory and all I’m supposed to be doing is being creative. Just not with a pen.
It’s time for me to suck it up and try. And do a good job.
I’m not going to let my work embarrass me anymore.
And honestly, I’m tired of feeling defeated when I show up to these classes. The literature class is fine, but I have two days out of my week designated to these art classes and I refuse to feel depressed all day.
Time to level up and be a college student.
Help me out?
I’m pretty sure I’ll need a kick in the butt every now and then. And a hug. 😦