Status Report // Nov. 20th, 2018
I’ve been gone for a while – again. Are we surprised? No.
I found it disheartening and amusing how often blogging popped up in my mind. I had a terrible time this quarter with my time management skills and when I had the time to blog, I discovered that I did not have the will. This realization pushed my thoughts back to when I was fourteen and spent hours on the computer writing fanfiction. Back then, I was able to wake up at six in the morning to get ready for a school day that didn’t end until two in the afternoon. I managed to juggle seven or eight classes without much difficulty – I was a honor student most of the time – and looking back on this made me feel rather discouraged. How did I manage to all of those things then? Juggle seven classes and participate in the drama club, earning minuscule roles in plays?
Aside from the obvious, “you had no choice but to go to school,” I still have no real answer. I would come home and write for hours, honing my skills (which have declined exponentially nowadays, if you ask me). It seemed that my high school self had all sorts of magic going on because the energy levels she had and the ones I have now do not match up at all. Granted, I had to distract myself from a not so pleasant custody battle, I was still much more successful then than I am now. My characters actually fought with each other, whereas nowadays, everyone is trying to be nice and not ruffle feathers. My vocabulary back then covered more ground – due to all the required readings that I actually cared to do – and it seemed that somehow, I was quite happier.
So what went wrong? I moved out of my father’s house and into my mother’s, winding up in a new school for my last year of high school. It hadn’t been a pleasant experience and half of the time, I felt as ostracized as Lena Duchannes in Beautiful Creatures. Now, of course, that was almost three years ago now, but the feeling of being invisible seemed to stay with me. I was much more of a social butterfly in my junior of high school, but then again, I had known almost everyone since sixth grade. I wasn’t surrounded by strangers – there was some anxiety, sure, but still. I knew everyone. My last year of high school was a complete opposite of my third year, but that couldn’t be helped. But again: what changed inside of me?
While I was reflecting, I turned my thoughts to my current circumstances. There were some disturbing and saddening parallels that hadn’t changed since high school ended. Do I know more people now? Absolutely – and I don’t mean to whine or sound ungrateful – but a discouraging loneliness persists, despite all of the people who greet me on a daily basis as we bump into each other while living our lives. It keeps me awake at night and wondering happier scenarios that involve me in a full room of people and a sense of belonging inside of me, making me feel warm and content.
I think something went downhill since I moved from my father’s house and I worry occasionally if I am faking my own happiness, and now I know that I am. Some days, I am genuinely not happy with my life, whether it’s because of not having enough money (my rent is expensive, but I chose this place so…) or due to this nagging feeling of loneliness when I’m surrounded by smiling faces.
I would argue and say that I know happiness is only felt in moments and it’s greedy to expect to feel happiness all the time, because all of that is true. However, I want to feel those happy moments more often. In April, I downloaded an app called Daylio to keep track of my moods and see how my day went overall, and I am disappointed to tell you that most of my days are meh and I hardly have these moments of happiness. And I’m talking about the tiny moments that brighten your day, like, “I found a dollar!”
This post might be coming across more melancholic than I want it to be, and if I’m to be honest with you all, I’m supposed to be copying a rough draft out of my notebook. I knew I wasn’t blogging as much as I could and I tried to compensate by having something written down, but that’s not what this post is turning into. I guess I’m trying to say that I am aware of the mehness in my life and that I’m working on changing it.
Now, I’m convinced that part of it is purely brain chemistry. I didn’t grow up in the most positive environment and I feel like something is genuinely off with me. I’ll come home from work and lay in bed, wanting to get up and write (because I know that it will help me feel better), but I stay in bed and let the day waste away, hating it the entire time. I haven’t read a book for pure enjoyment in years, probably since I moved out of my father’s house. I’m not blaming the move on these things because as I said before, I needed distractions. Thinking on this now makes me worry for who I am – did I really enjoy reading as a child or was it purely a distraction? What do I really like to do? Sometimes, even writing as an answer to this question, doesn’t seem true.
So, as you can see, I’ve been battling myself for a while. Battling to complete homework assignments, blog, to write, to read, even watch Netflix. I’ve been sitting around, miserable because I didn’t have the will to get up and do something. Of course, the idea of pulling off a successful writing career with a meaningful presence on social media only adds to my growing problem of making my life have meaning.
However, all of that aside, I do want to tell you that if you are struggling with this right now and if you’re currently in bed, watching your day go without you, please get up. Please sit up and wipe your face. Go get some water and stretch. It’s hard to fight ourselves, but if you manage to get yourself to a task that used to bring you joy, please try it without thinking about how happy it used to make you. Think about how you feel right now and know that there are ways to combat it so you won’t feel as bad.
I came to tell you all that I’ve been fighting with myself lately and I’m trying to win. I’m trying to get back to enjoying my life, even if that means seeing a psychiatrist for a name (because at the moment, I only want a name for whatever this is) and talking to a therapist for years. I think that the longer we stay in a stagnant state, we only give ourselves more work to do to come back to life, and it’s okay that we slipped into this way of thinking, so long as we bring ourselves out of it.
It’s okay to need help and it’s more than okay to ask.
One thing that helped me when I was writing down my thoughts, trying to make blog posts out of thin air, was realizing that my expectations for myself are too high. This was a big factor in keeping me in bed all day. I wanted to be able to come out blazing, knocking all twenty things off my to do list, but it’s not going to happen like that. I would barely accomplish one and feel like shit, but let me tell you, I knew that one accomplishment was better than sweating in bed, wishing I was somewhere else. It won’t be easy every day, but some days will be easier than others. And it’s perfectly okay to have some really good days and then fall back into a slump. That’s normal.
You can start your day over at any given moment and your day doesn’t have to be full to the brim with productivity. Give yourself breaks. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was anyone’s self esteem or self confidence. We’re all works in progress, but we have to keep working to keep progressing.
Take care of yourselves. We all deserve it.
P. S. – I keep saying I’m going to blog more and I mean it every time that I say it, but it also puts more pressure on me. I’m trying to take it easy, though, so let’s see how the rest of 2018 plays out. Please love yourself, lovelies. ❤