April 2020: My Thoughts

Farewell, April 2020 . . .

Hi, everyone!

I wanted to talk about April, and how being quarantined for its entirety is slowly changing my life. My focus has shifted to myself and I’ve started to ignore most of my external concerns. As you know, I shaved my head and immediately gained so much confidence and love for myself.

I finished the “vlog” content for one of my classes and while I’m a bit relieved that it’s over, I’m happy to say that I still want to create content for my youtube channel. Part of my relief comes from the anxiety I would have while presenting my videos to the class. I’d rather throw my videos up on youtube and interact with viewers from afar, not right in my room in real time. However, uploading my videos has made me gain a bit more confidence in myself.

My professor reassured me that (for some reason), people would want to listen to me. That I’m engaging. It’s not that I believe her, I think it’s great. I want to deliver content you would enjoy watching and that I would enjoy making. However, thanks to filming videos every week of April, I’ve learned that I won’t be short of ideas or the desire to make videos. I have to trust myself and my ideas more. The execution may not be the best, but it’s the desire and motivation that counts.

This month has been challenging. I had to have a heart to heart with my mom, which created more anxiety because in my mind, she’s more critical and less understanding than she is in real life. My mom listened to my feelings and acknowledged them. She made an effort to hear me out and apologized, and that’s all I can ask for. It’s hard to come to our parents (or anyone) with our injured hearts and bruised egos, but when they hear us out and change to accommodate us . . . It’s a gift. Me and my mom are in a better place and we’re getting along so well these days, it makes being quarantined with her so much fun. We make each other laugh all the time, and she has an infectious laugh like Dana did.

I don’t miss Dana any less, but as April went on, I realized more and more each day that Dana is in a much better place than now, and being in the hospital with all of this going on only would have made her more stressed and anxious, thus delaying her healing and maybe causing more complications. I still love her to death and miss her fiercely, but I’m happy she isn’t here to endure this.

Regarding homework and school, I developed a schedule within the first week of April. I crawl (yes, crawl) out of bed for my 8am. Sometimes, I make coffee while the class is loading and sometimes I wait until after class. After my 8am is over, me and my mom escape the house or I take a nap until my next class at 2pm. After that class is over, I take a shower, eat dinner, and do homework. I tend to do most of my homework on the weekends. Friday is a lazy day, while Saturday and Sunday are more attentive days. I usually finish two classes’ worth of homework on Friday and Saturday, and then Sunday is whatever homework is left.

I’m still using Dana’s planner – the one she gave me for Christmas – and I write all of the weekend’s assignments on a sticky note. I scratch them out as I complete them, and it’s doing wonders for my productivity. Just the other day, I wrote down my monthly editorial calendar (for all my social media platforms) and self care calendar. I schedule in face masks and exfoliating, Duolingo and typing lessons. It’s wonderful to have different tasks per day, to keep the joy alive, and to have some variety. I’m not too good at practicing my typing every day, but I know that it takes time to cultivate a good habit.

My whiteboard has been a blessing – I can write down any burning thoughts, make them coherent, and then erase them. It’s a godsend, really.

The stats for April are as follows:

  • Knitting: One hour and nine minutes (1 h 9 m)
  • Spent time on homework: Twenty three hours and twelve minutes (23 h 12 m)
  • Social Media (writing, watermarking): Four hours and thirty two minutes (4 h 32 m)
  • (New category!) Prep for Social Media: Two hours and fifty five minutes (2 h 55 m)
  • Writing for a project of my own (as a stress reliever): One hour and twenty minutes (1 h 20 m)
  • (New category!) Tarot readings (for myself): One hour and thirty seven minutes (1 h 37 m)

I don’t mean to come off as a productivity-obsessed person by the way. I know I probably seem a bit infatuated with always being busy, but given my very few memories of freshman and sophomore year due to depression and inactivity, I know that having a few things to do help keep me grounded. I’ve still had some “flare ups” and how I try to work around them – and don’t get me wrong, I still have them and fight them when they arrive – but know that I’m not going to push my work ethic or schedule on you. We all need to take it easy with everything going on. I’m only saying that given my classes and homework, it’s nice to have some projects and whatnot set aside for myself, for fun.

I’ve been doing more and more tarot readings for myself lately. In fact, when I was feeling a bit down and discouraged about youtube, I prayed before my reading and asked about the benefits of continuing my youtube channel.

Guys, the Nine (9) of Cups fell out upright. It’s the happiness card – more to it than that, but still. I know youtube is a good creative outlet for now, and even if I never have a huge following (which I don’t want, because I like for there to be some anonymity and privacy surrounding me and my life), I will be recording my journey to wherever I will go from here. It’s a nice thought, ya know?

I don’t want my youtube channel to turn into tarot readings and only WIP updates, as discussed in my last post. I want to be able to look back years from now and see how I’ve grown. I think I’ll be immensely proud of myself.

Anyways, that’s it for this month’s summary post! I’ve had some fun in April, despite the quarantine. The master page provided below, called “April Archive Page*“, is a page that contains all of my activity for this month across all of my platforms: youtube, blog posts, instagram pics, etc.

My goals for May are as follows:

  • Develop a content/theme for my official tumblr (so it won’t be a blog post echo chamber)
  • Graduate with all As

Thank you for reading! Stay safe!

~Taia


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