May 15th, 2020 // Status Report
I wasn’t too sure what to write about for today’s status report, in lieu of yesterday’s blog post regarding my Blood of the Fallen project. I was vague about my writing troubles. There was some context missing. Like, who is Axe? And Lucy? What are Keepers? You can find some information on here.
It also doesn’t help that I feel a bit . . . inexperienced in the class that the pilot is for. I feel like I don’t know enough, like everyone read from a book I didn’t have access to, and that’s why all of their scripts flow so much better and make more sense. This class has been discouraging. I feel behind.
However, to fix this and feel like I’m catching up, I decided to designate at least an hour of my day to watching familiar TV shows, to learn how the writers pace the events, and to watch youtube videos describing character arcs, plot points, certain powerful moments in the show. or film, etc. I enjoy learning and I’m always going to be learning, up until the day I die. I think doing this will help me feel more in charge. Prepared. Besides, I’ll become a better writer at the same time, so why not?
Anyways, I decided to write about my recent experiences with tarot. Consider this my first blog post about tarot. Warning: incoming vague descriptions of emotional and mental abuse.
Back in October 2017 (perhaps later than that), I was introduced to tarot by a talented reader who offered me a free reading. We met at the park and I really enjoyed his company. We’re still friends to this day and as you can see by the tweet below, his reading was immensely helpful. I redirected my energy, which used to feed into negative self-esteem, and began to work on myself.
So, I stated before that I’ve had my tarot cards for two years. I was interested in tarot, but I didn’t get my own deck until a year later in 2018. I ordered The Wild Unknown tarot deck off Amazon and I had a unsteady start with it when I first started reading. I tried to start with one card a day, but I became too curious about the meanings. I would write down the cards and why I thought these particular cards popped up.
I did it for a few days and then I fell off. Came back for a few days and fell off. Off and on until the last day of August in 2019. My ex at the time had been particularly troublesome, actually abusive.
I didn’t want to believe it at the time, and everyone around me (except for a mutual friend of his and mine) was trying to warn me. That summer with my ex was bumpy. Arguments every few weeks, then every few days. At some point during the arguments taking place in August, I would start packing. He always convinced me to stay, that “couples fight all the time,” and he pretended that he would change, as abusers do. He was so cruel to me, for no reason I could fathom. He even blamed me for his undisciplined and spoiled dog, who had separation anxiety and started chewing up my things whenever I left the house and she was alone. She broke my three hundred dollar glasses, guys.
I know I may seem a bit bitter here, but some of what he said to me still hurts me to think about. I guess writing about some of it may be a way of releasing those emotions. I can’t promise that I would ever go into detail about it, but all I can say is that his anger started to leak into me, too. At some point, my depression grew worse – I began to hate coming home to him – and I knew I had to leave. So when he broke up with me, I was gone. I had to, for myself.
Back to the tarot and the last night we were a couple . . . I was goofing off with my tarot cards earlier that night and asked about the status of that relationship. Just goofing off. Honestly, I half-expected the cards to BS me and say, “You’re gonna get married!” 😂
Guys, the cards told me that the relationship was dead, expired, and that I would be changing houses. Moving.
Now keep in mind that I had foolishly moved in with him at the time and I didn’t want to listen to this reading. Moving meant going back home, where I knew I needed to be but I didn’t want to go. I bit my lip and put the cards away, and then everything well to hell.
And maybe the cards predicted something was always going to happen. Inevitably. We were looking at the exit door, folks. The breakup was coming, whether that night or a month out. I was nearing my wit’s end.
And lo and behold, a few hours after that reading while everything was up in flames, he broke up with me. Given how that relationship began to eat me alive, I started packing that night. I didn’t want to stay with him and he kept trying to talk to me, like nothing had happened. He ranted and ranted for hours about how the relationship could have worked, but throughout our few months together, he blamed me for everything. Every argument. Every miscommunication. Never acknowledged his wrongs, or even when he said hurtful things with the intention of hurting my feelings. Back when I cared more, I tried to tell him how he was hurting my feelings. Never went well. He would blame me for my hurt feelings, saying I was too sensitive. Gaslighting me. Disgusting.
So, finally, when it was two in the morning and hours into his rant and my packing, I asked him to stop talking to me. He relented, asked how I was feeling, like he hadn’t broken my heart. He was my first boyfriend and for it to go so wrong . . . I laid down for bed and he laid down next to me. He was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “You were a good girlfriend.” If it hadn’t been so late, I would have left his house right then. I left him to sleep on the couch, something I will never do again.
In the morning, he went to go to work and I made my escape. By the time he came home, I was gone with my stuff, off to a address he didn’t know. It didn’t stop future harassment – in fact, he only became incensed after I left, but I won’t bore you with that. I’m still trying to heal from him, and while I’m doing so much better now than I was in October of last year, some of his words still echo in my head. (I blame our “year anniversary” bringing up all of these feelings.)
Ever since that reading, I’ve sworn on tarot. I may not have spooky readings like that all the time, but that was the moment I knew that tarot was no joke. No games. I take tarot seriously.
I also have the fortune of my mom understanding my respect for tarot. I know that this isn’t the case for everyone, and while I may never tell everyone in my family about it, I was very glad to no longer have to hide my desire to have tarot in my life anymore.
So, now I pull cards for myself more often. I try to do a reading for myself once a week. I use tarot for self reflection and occasionally for decisions. Just last week, I had to reassure myself with a positive tarot reading, regarding my youtube channel. I do pray before most of my readings and nowadays, I consider tarot to be a way to God (or Creator) communicating directly to me. As I read over the cards and their meanings, some things come to light and make sense. Sometimes, I really do feel like someone is speaking to me, encouraging me, and telling me where I need to improve. Tarot has helped me understand myself and learn more about myself.
I started reading tarot for other people last Thursday. Despite that I’m still referring to the book, my readings are resonating with everyone so far. I even got a tip, which I wasn’t expecting. The client began the reading by wanting to pay me, and when I told him my readings were free, he still wanted to tip me. I asked him to wait until after the reading, because I didn’t have the confidence that my reading would resonate with him. I’m still a newbie after all. But the reading resonated, and he tipped me generously.
Now, considering my newfound love and respect for tarot, I don’t plan on charging money for any readings any time soon. I like to help people, and from my last few readings, I think I am. It feels good . . .
Regarding my youtube channel and tarot, I don’t want my youtube channel to turn into a tarot channel. I want to still talk about my writing and discuss TV shows and movies. I want to show my knitting projects and the project I’m making. I understand that there’s a big niche on youtube and I’d fit right in, but I don’t want tarot to be the only content on my channel.
Honestly, I wanted to tell you guys that even though we’re quarantined and Blood of the Fallen‘s pilot is driving me crazy, I’m starting to really enjoy myself. I’m becoming more comfortable in my skin and in my mind, and for my mind at least, I have tarot to thank for that. (Also therapy, prayer, writing in a journal, meditating . . .)
I hope you all are doing well! What are your thoughts on tarot?
Links & Other Stuff
Other mentioned posts
- Rewriting & Avoiding Burnout // WIP update // May 13th
Content to Expect
- Breaking Bad // postponed
- The Haunting of Hill House
- Silver Linings Playbook
- Twin Peaks