Farewell, May 2020 . . .
I have to apologize for my inconsistency for last week. I was overwhelmed by everything in the news and I found myself unable to talk about what was going on in my life. You can view my May archive page here.
I thought I would take this chance to summarize the month. It feels inappropriate to talk about myself right now – though now this almost feels like writing in a journal – and you should see my twitter feed, if you can see it. They’ve shadow banned me on twitter because of my tweets and retweets supporting the protests.
I’ve signed several petitions and if you want to help support the #BlackLivesMatter movement, you can stream the following video. All the adsense money made from these videos will go directly to the movement, and this is a way to help without endangering yourself (given the police brutality and instigating officers at the protests) and without you having to feel guilty about being unable to contribute financially due to low personal funds.
I’ve been spamming my twitter feed with tweets – some of them call out society’s bullshit and I’m all for it. It feels very “look at me!” to try and talk about myself right now.
I guess all I can say is that I started working again yesterday, so I’m back to living the barista life. I graduated last week so I’m a SCAD alumna now. I’m still working on so many projects, despite the exhaustion I’m feeling. I’ve been finding it hard to unplug from social media. I fear I might miss something if I look away for too long, but at the same time, it’s hard to watch the videos out here, especially the ones that catch the cops instigating the violence.
Regarding how I’m feeling . . .
The videos depicting the cops harming civilians unprovoked is disgusting and traumatizing. These people are sworn to protect us, given badges and special privileges like a free damn coffee (and that’s so stupid), but they are out here discrediting the protestors. Bashing in the windows of their own cars and other businesses, riding in the neighborhood and firing rubber coated metal bullets at people walking home. They’re blinding and arresting journalists, people who report the news, the facts, the truth, and it’s disgusting.
The police officers that are perpetuating the violence against people they swear to protect are domestic terrorists. Plain and simple. I don’t care if your neighbor is a cop and one of the “good guys”. If there are any, the good guys right now are being outnumbered by the bad ones.
The bad ones are kneeling with the protesters, getting them to let their guard down, making them believe that they see reason and wrong in the actions of other cops, and then they mace and shoot at these people. They’re trauma-bonding us. Acting nice to butter us up, only to shoot at us later, take their “apologies” back. It’s fucking disgusting and I hate it for us.
I hate the cops who act like they see us. They do not, and the ones who have been breaking down and crying are being replaced with a new cop, a vengeful one who can’t wait for the order to hurt us.
I don’t give a fuck about who the good cops are anymore. If they’re good cops like they say they are, why aren’t they defending us from the bad cops who are out here among the protestors, trigger happy and jumpy?
Police officers are supposed to protect us. Point blank. So, why are they shooting at us? Blinding us? Destroying our medical supplies and other means that we use to heal ourselves from them? And I’ve been seeing cops quit their jobs. Those are the good ones who won’t stand for this. We need more of them to do this. The public is outnumbered by the ones who intend to do us harm.
It’s guerrilla warfare, open season on everyone. The children aren’t safe. The truth-tellers aren’t safe. If it wasn’t for twitter, the media would be able to paint a narrative that the protestors are violent, and everyone would believe it. The officers out here are committing war crimes and go unpunished. It’s horrifying.
White nationalists and police officers are the only violent ones here. There are videos of protestors screaming at them, pleading for them to stop damaging property in front of them because their actions will discredit and drown out their voices – that the injustice has gone for long enough. Four hundred years long enough.
We just ended segregation when someone’s grandpa was a child, and they want us to forget about slavery and segregation? We were finally allowed to take classes with the rest of the population last century, and you want us to forget that?
The Birmingham Church bombing? Black Wall Street? Forget black people for a second. The Trail of Tears? The Japanese Internment Camps? Racism is never going away – I really feel like this sometimes.
We’re fucking tired. I’m tired.
And this, “what about black on black crime?” Are you serious?
That’s not what we’re talking about right now! STAY FOCUSED.
We’re protesting and saying, “We have a right to not get shot or killed on our way home and I don’t need to prove that I’m a good person to make it home every night,” and there are people saying “But . . .”
These cops out here in their riot gear are saying, “Welll . . .”
Well what, you ass?!
I’ve lost some friends and suitors (yes, lmao) over this shit. Like, you want me in your life but you don’t agree that I shouldn’t get shot over a counterfeit $20 bill on my way home from the store? GET OUT.
I finally got a night of sleep last night since all of this began last week. I’ve been waking up, crying out in my sleep. I’ve been dreaming about watching these armored police officers come towards me, push me to the ground and tell me to stop resisting. This stress has stolen my appetite from me. My eating habits are whack – I can barely eat a meal. I’m getting new bald spots and alopecia areata has a nasty way of making my scalp inflamed with teeny tiny burning bumps, so along with everything else, even my scalp is hurting from everything going on.
I go on twitter, find that one video that makes me cry, and I have to set my phone down. I was crying to my mom the other day about everything – the job market, the protestors’ voices being drowned out by police brutality, everything – and all she could do was pat me on the knee and give me a hug. She shared my same fears and told me that she’s numb to it all.
We’re desensitized by watching black men and women being killed. This has gone on for four hundred years. I can’t even watch the end of Donald Glover’s This is America video because of how it resembles a black slave fleeing from the plantation, being chased. Some of my dreams have been that exactly: being chased in the woods, hearing dogs barking as they catch my scent.
I’m trying so hard to stay positive. I can’t even cry anymore. I’ve been lighting a candle in my room like I’m waiting for a missing child to come home, like it’s a beacon beckoning for them to come to me. I don’t even want to raise kids in a world like this. Ever, ever, ever. There’s a chance they’d have to grow up without me because some racist asshole would stop me on my way home. THINK ABOUT THAT.
And forget being murdered. What about all the young black brothers and sisters who are in jail over dumb stuff? Stuff some of them didn’t even do? Kalief Browder, um, hello?!
I’m at a loss. I really am. I don’t have the energy for anything. I wanted to go dark on my blog, but this feels like one of the only places I can express myself freely. They’ve shadow-banned me on twitter, Facebook is doing whatever Mark Z. wants, and I’m sure Youtube is cracking down on videos discussing this sort of thing.
This is the only place where you can hear me, and I’ve been feeling some kind of way about speaking up on here. Even writing my “status reports” doesn’t feel the same. It feels like I’m seeking attention, like I need to stay invisible. I was so excited to get my glasses the other day and I don’t even feel right about posting a picture with them on because it feels so trivial.
Given how I’ve always felt this way, this feeling isn’t new to me, but especially now, I feel like there are more important things to focus on. And there are! I don’t mind that part. I’m just realizing the few places where I can be heard, and it feels like I’m complaining and whining instead of being empowering . . .
All I can say is that this shit is jacked up, and I”m ready for change. It’s been a long time coming, and the protests are worldwide. Worldwide. The entire world is standing with us.
Change is coming, and I hope it’s good.
Okay . . . Let’s collectively exhale together.
Stay safe! Keep your phone charged!
Fair warning: There’s going to be a shift in content and formatting. I hope you guys don’t mind it.
The stats for May are as follows:
- Spent time on homework: Twenty six hours and fifteen minutes (26 h 15 m)
- Social Media (writing, watermarking): Eight hours and twelve minutes (8 h 12 m)
- (New category!) Prep for Social Media: Two hours and forty eight minutes (2 h 48 m)
- Writing for a project of my own (as a stress reliever): Zero! 🙁
- (New category!) Tarot readings (for myself): Fifteen minutes (15 m) 😂
- (New category!) Tarot reading for clients: Six hours and thirty seven minutes (6 h 37 m)