August 9th, 2020 // Status Report
Hi, everyone! I really wanted you all to know that I’m okay. Alive and healthy.
I’ve been MIA from my blog for the last two months. June was a difficult month for me. The protests and police brutality sparked a rage in me that I had never felt before, and it made it challenging to write and live business as usual. If it wasn’t for a project that me and other recent SCAD grads were working on, I wouldn’t have been writing at all. And that was a struggle, let me tell you.
But I’m okay. I’ve been trying to manage some bad “flare ups”and I’m somewhat pleased to say that I’m going to be fine. “Somewhat” only meaning that I’ve been fighting the urge to be harder on myself than usual. I think my unhealthy relationship with productivity and self worth is a bit obvious, but I try to keep that energy away from here. I’ve been having quite a few revelations about myself these last two months. Honestly, it feels like I have at least two new epiphanies about myself and my life every week.
I’ve uncovered some unhealthy, ingrained values and perceptions that I have towards myself and the world, along with the new knowledge that I may have traumatized by some people from the past. What I’m trying to say is that I’m just learning more about myself all the time, even discovering that I haven’t been taking care of myself like I’ve been supposed to. All these revelations are head-spinning worthy. I even realized that I have a mask on when I open social media.
Which shouldn’t be a surprise, right? Because social media only shows one facet of our lives, one glimpse into who we are. But for me, I realized that I don’t even show that one facet. The facet I present is cracked and I only hold out small pieces of it for you to see. I realized that I am afraid to be seen.
I know where this fear comes from. It’s a childhood memento that I’ve brought with me in adulthood. We all have mementos like these, but I still walk around with mine. Carry it in my pocket. I’m hoping to be able to leave it on the coffee table one day.
So, with all these new revelations about myself and my actions towards myself, I realized (more realizing and realizing) that I needed to talk to someone. Now, before you come for me with your stigmas and “only crazy people need therapy,” this isn’t about having a mental illness or anything like that. Yes, my anxiety and depression have gotten a bit worse these days, harder to manage, sure, but this is really about my desire to be kinder to myself and to heal from these traumatic events.
And even though I just said that I have a fear of being seen, I know that being more open about some things while still keeping some things to myself (like what these traumatizing events were) is possible. I know some people are okay, maybe even good at sharing their lives and what goes on in them, but I have to take some baby steps.
Now I wouldn’t want to bog you guys down with any crying or self-depreciating posts (that’s what journalling is for so I can work on it privately), but I would be happy at the idea of being able to share any breakthroughs that I have with you, as long as I find them appropriate and not oversharing. Part of my fear of being seen came with the idea of oversharing, so I know there’s a fine line, and my line may be bolder. I may not share as much as the average person, but I want you to know that I’m trying. I do want to be seen, after all this time.
So . . . June and July were full of moments like this. Realizing that XYZ that happened to me in March wasn’t okay at all, or that I struggle with disordered eating and I actually have triggers. It’s wild. The thought of healing these wounds and working through it has been a bit overwhelming at times, and sharing it with you has been even more intimidating, but I have to remember that no one makes it through this world unscathed.
Whether it’s a parent or a friend at school or a boyfriend or a teacher, we all get hurt. Repeatedly. Different offenses. Different lingering effects. Some of us make it out fine from XYZ, only to get devastated by ABC. And that’s okay. This world isn’t kind to any of us. Even the people we think who aren’t fazed by anything – the ones that always seem happy and smile all the time – they even have moments when they sit and cry. Where they feel alone.
And I think if we all knew that and let ourselves be vulnerable with each other – share our pain and not burden other people with it, the world would honestly be in a better place. A more understanding place. It’s the idea of being strong and invincible that has us in this mess. That and general apathy and those assholes who go out of their way to misunderstand you . . . But then again, they’ve been hurt, too, haven’t they? And that’s how they react to the pain of others.
I don’t mean to stand on a soap box here, but I really get consumed by thoughts like these. Sometimes, I sit and wonder if the world will ever really understand the world. You know?
So, yep. I’ve been thinking and reflecting. Thinking about the future, worrying about it, too. But I’m back, with a change in content (more of me, less hiding) and a change in schedule. I’m hoping to come back with a new post every other Thursday (at the very least) while still creating worlds (writing) and uploading on Patreon. I used most of my status reports these past few years to talk about what was going on in school, so now that I’m out of school and working at Starbucks, I felt like there wasn’t much going on, hence the change.
There are some projects in the works right now. I’m trying to hack my brain yet again so I’m back to being my productive self. Hoping to manage this without being too hard on myself like I used to.
“Taia, what are you talking about?” you ask. Just give me some more time. 😂
I hope you all are doing well. I didn’t mean to get too heavy on you, but besides my journal and my stories, I don’t really have a place to talk about how I’m really feeling. And as far as social media goes, I feel as though I hardly talk . . . I’m trying to find a balance, though.
Work is great. My fellow baristas are awesome. I really am grateful to be where I am now, compared to a year ago.
Besides the inactivity on my blog, I’ve been watching a lot more Netflix than I usually do. Ahh, escapism. What’s your favorite Netflix show?
Links & Other Stuff
Other mentioned posts
- “Living with Depression – My flare ups” // Jan. 30th