November 19th, 2020 // Status Report
It’s been a while since I’ve written a status report. I discussed what was going on in Nigeria in my last one. I hope you were able to sign the petitions listed. Truthfully, I’m stuck brainstorming content again. It’s my usual stressor, but I’m figuring it out slowly. (Too slowly, if you ask me.)
So, what’s been going on for me?
As far as writing goes, I shifted my attention to Lightningborn. You can read about it here in my WIP update for November. It’s going to be a priority for the next few months. I’m still writing Echoes on my Patreon. I’m currently adding one new chapter to Echoes every month, but I’m hoping to be able to bump it up to two or three chapters. Back when I was writing fanfiction, I used to add more chapters to my little projects weekly, but I was also in high school with an somewhat unfiltered creativity. Writing for an audience has me tiptoeing, which is okay. I signed up for it. I can’t shake the desire to be able to upload more . . .
I have some tiny tasks to do for my website that I need to jump on. Little things like tidying up the footer, making a project page for Lightningborn, etc. They’ll be done when they’re done, and you know I’m good for linking it all up.
I’m also doing okay, regarding my mental health. Ever since my forced timeout in September, I really tried to take it easier. I am actively making sure I take time for myself. I finally have a solid morning routine that allows me to sit and prepare for my day. This new routine has also given me no excuses for skipping out on morning skincare. I’m enjoying it much more than I thought I would. I had a strangely sleepless weekend, but following through with my morning routine helped me make it through the tough part: fighting the urge to go back to sleep now that the sun is up.
I’m not sure if you all believe in astrology, so I won’t be all “the planets!” on you, but the past new moon was in Scorpio, and I believe it had an effect on me. I found it incredibly hard to sleep, and of course, that gave my brain plenty of time to relive some questionable childhood events and think about other traumas I’ve taken on recently. Since the new moon has started to go away, I’ve been finding it easier to sleep at night. Call me crazy, but I highly doubt that the rest of the planets (in our solar system) that are hundreds of thousands of times bigger than Earth don’t have any effect on us.
Of course, by Monday, I was like, “I can’t do this anymore,” and I decided to increase my dose of melatonin and take some CBD. So, maybe a mixture of medication and fading new moon energy has allowed me to sleep.
All the dark thoughts I encountered over the weekend are here to stay, though. I’m going to mention the lingering thoughts to my therapist on Wednesday and see what we can work through. I’ve noticed some regression on my head – some returning spots – due to stress. I can’t really say what exactly I’ve been stressing about, but the alopecia took the chance to eat away at the growing spots. I was disappointed to see them, but I also had to remind myself that alopecia is an autoimmune condition and it does what it wants. But besides that, I think I’m doing okay.
My morning routine inspired a new level of self care and awareness of how crappy I feel in the mornings. For example, being hungry, thirsty, and having a headache from caffeine puts me at a negative two (-2). Once I find a remedy for these things, I jump up to a nice neutral zero (0). The goal is a five (5). I occasionally make it to a solid three (3), but I’m usually at a two (2), and I’m happy with that.
It may be a weird way of thinking, but I like this scale. I haven’t been a negative five (-5) in a little while. I have noticed that when I suddenly get hit with a bad day or a “flare up”, I’m really discouraged and I say things like, “I’m really depressed all the time and it just hit me now. I haven’t allowed myself to feel it.”
I’ve tried to move around thoughts like this. I tell myself, “That could be true, but either way, today is a bad day. No rhyme or reason why. Let’s do what we can today.” Sometimes, I make it to a negative two (-2). Other times, I stay at negative five (-5).
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m developing a better understanding of my brain. 😂
I know when the ship is getting a bit of water on the inside. I also know when it’s storming on my boat. To be honest, though, I am still a bit afraid to examine the “I’m really depressed all the time,” thought because I’m worried that it’s true. I’m worried that I push through it and don’t let myself feel it. I’m worried that my really nice morning routine is just me ignoring how I’m feeling. This is more food for the therapist, though, but despite this, I think she would be happy to know that so far, I’ve stuck with this morning routine and that it makes me feel good. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about what it “could be” hiding.
So, yeah. I’ve got these thoughts spinning around. Maybe the okay days make me feel like a fraud . . . but then what’s better? No one wants to be depressed, so why am I worried that I haven’t had an episode in two weeks.
Also, I’m about to start a new birth control, so that could be part of the worry, too. 😂 Maybe this one makes me feel worse. Just more food for the therapist. I mean . . . something is bothering me, though. I have the new spots to prove it.
But slow and steady. I’m learning some new healthy coping mechanisms and I’m putting them to use. I think everything will be okay anyways.
Despite these worries and projects, I’m trying to take it easy. I think you should, too.
Links & Other Stuff
On the Blog
- Mentioned post: Status Report // Police Brutality: An International Crime // Oct. 22nd
- Mentioned post: Lightningborn, my new focus for November // Nov. 4th
- Mentioned post: Status Report // Living with Depression: “My Flare Ups” // Jan. 30th
- November Goal Page
- Farewell image created by @peachpodt on twitter.
You Should Check Out
- Patreon Database Page
- Echoes // patreon // chapter one
- Sins of the Sun // patreon // chapter one
- November Content Schedule // patreon // Oct. 28th