December 19th, 2020
I hope your holidays are going well. I know I can’t be the only one having a more difficult holiday than I expected. Between financial challenges and knowing how others have lost family members that would have been alive today, I’ve been feeling less than Christmassy this year. Honestly, it feels like everyone decided to play Christmas music at the same time. I haven’t felt that trademark American Christmas joy in a few years.
If you’ve lost any family members this year, I’m so sorry. My twitter DMs are always open for you. ❤
Regarding how I’m doing . . . I’ve slipped up. I had an unexpected childhood memory resurface in therapy (and on top of just feeling blah), I completely dropped the ball. This blog post is two days late. My next chapter for Echoes on my Patreon isn’t happening. I’ve been feeling like utter crap. I have my good moments, maybe even a few hours, but I am currently out here feeling really raw. I guess I spoke too soon in last month’s summary post, saying how uneasy I was that I hadn’t had a depressive episode in two weeks.
And again, I have quite a few factors weighing on me right now, so it’s not me rolling onto my back and crying uncle. I’m trying to salvage the rest of the month while planning how to recover the next month and year. I was talking to a coworker the other day about how I always felt the need to pump out content.
I explained my brain like this:
“Maybe it’s time for me to consume content.”
My coworker said this is a great idea, concluded that perhaps I was still in “school mode”.
Then I said, “I’ll think about watching a movie, right? And then my brain goes, write a review on a new movie every single week. Four times a month, so four different movies. DO IT.“
I like the enthusiasm, right? I mean, the idea of reviewing a movie every month with a critical eye could benefit me in a number of ways. It could help me get better at writing, following the screenwriter’s logic for plot points, etc. It’s a good idea, but what was the original purpose for watching a new movie?
And what is my brain trying to do? Turn it into homework. Create recurring assignments.
Which is fine, if I had also included that in my purpose versus going “and then write four reviews a month.” Because I’m trying to enjoy myself.
So, I have some more rewiring to do.
I really think that in the midst of a (trauma-induced?) creative block, it would be nice to consume and enjoy media for a change. Maybe dive into some anime, since a good ninety-eight percent (98%) of my friends watch anime. I’m going to compose a list . . .
Since I finally coughed up some trauma a few weeks ago, my sleep has been anything but peaceful. The nightmares are making it harder for me to stay asleep, let alone sleep restfully, and this is bleeding into everything else. I love sleep – my bed is my favorite place – but I know I’m going to figure this out. In the meantime, what do I do? Adjust my content creation schedule. Bend over backwards for myself. Maybe schedule some fun stuff like I talked about in October’s WIP update.
I tweeted a little bit ago that I’m learning how to get better at relaxing, and I am disappointed to say that I think all of that progress was taken away. I am starting over, which is okay. I don’t want to seem self-indulgent, like, “ohmygod, look at me suffering.” I keep a lot of my life to myself, but I know I can’t be the only one struggling to sleep or keep moving in life. I think the pandemic has finally hit me, and maybe I’m looking for stability in other places, which caused some trauma to bubble up to make room for me to replace it with something stable and healthy.
Regardless of the lack of sleep and creativity and jacked up content schedule, I know I’m going to survive this, even if it’s bare minimum-“come out in one piece”-kind of surviving.
That’s all I can ask of myself right now.
Stay safe, please!
Regarding my content schedule, it’s thrown out of the window. I’m going to let myself take December off, and come back stronger in January. This isn’t my December Monthly Summary Post, but if I don’t come back with one by January 5th, assume this is it.
December has been really rough on me. 😔 I need to take some time for myself and really take care of me.
Links & Other Stuff
On the Blog
- December Goal Page
- Farewell image created by @peachpodt on twitter.
- Mentioned post: -5 to 5, Rating my Well-being in Numbers // Nov. 19th
- Mentioned post: A Change in Plans // Oct. 7th
You Should Check Out
- Patreon Database Page
- Echoes // patreon // chapter one
- Sins of the Sun // patreon // chapter one
- December Content Schedule // patreon // Nov. 23rd