“2021 is going to be just like 2020.” // Status Report

January 13th, 2021 // Status Report

Hi, everyone!

Well, if it isn’t the ole “why bother?” feeling clouding up my twitter timeline. We all know how 2020 was. I don’t think any of us need a reminder of how painful the past year was for all of us.

Between the unrelenting isolation, gradually decaying enthusiasm for activities that require you to leave the safety of your own home, and political chaos and witnessing constant yet anticipated failure from our judicial system regarding injustice, 2020 sucked. It kicked butt and took names. Followed us home and sat outside our front door menacingly, just waiting for our fearful occasional peek from the blinds. 2020 was hell.

But can we be optimisitic now?

And I don’t mean in a snarky, “gather yourself up by your bootstraps.” But a genuine, concerned, “Can we try to be optimistic?”

I am not spraying last week’s events with bleach and wiping them away from our memory. I’m only asking for a few spurts of windex. We have seven days and then some months to see if things will improve. It’s too early to call it on 2021.

This blog post was originally going to be about 2020, how I struggled, lost, won, lost again. The grief and joy that I felt last year. But it feels a bit too late for that. The collective energy has shifted to the future and as you can see, not everyone is hopeful.

I have to admit that I also felt skeptical, even dread, towards the idea of the year progressing. I felt something similar to “2021 is going to be disappointing,” but then I realized I would not be able to go on if I allowed myself to continue thinking like this.

So, maybe for quite a few of us, I’m going to be optimistic. I realize that I may be doing better than most people. I’m not facing eviction, I still have a job, and my mind is still intact. I just . . . I’m hoping we can all continue to push through and wait for the better days that lie ahead. They’re coming.

Regarding my activities for 2021, I’m still posting on my Patreon and currently reconsidering the format and theme of my monthly collective energy readings. I am in need of a content change, like I always am, and it occurred to me the other day that I spend more time being anxious and indulging in anxious daydreams than I do enjoying things (or trying to) and giving my mind something to chew on. Since I gave myself the rest of December to rest, my anxiety would shoot through the roof sometimes. I even considered requesting some sort of medication because I didn’t think I was doing so hot.

However, December is over now. 2020 is over now. I owe myself a nice change of pace, even if it is something slower than I’m used to. Of course, this makes my brain go, “Can we go any slower than six uploads a month?”

My relationship with my self worth and productivity are under heavy scruntiny now. I need to allow myself to move at a slower pace, maybe even not at all, if need be. I think this may always be a problem for me, though, so I’m prepared to put in the work to developing a healthier relationship with productivity. I think a large chunk of the problem comes from studying so much as a teenager. I felt awful if I didn’t get an A, thus breeding perfectionism that I still struggle with.

I think January is going to be about finding my way and slowing down to make sure I’m on the right path. I didn’t realize how misguided and uncertain I was back in December until I stopped everything, and realized that I didn’t have a strong desire to jump on anything. Even out of boredom. I was fine with being still, which allowed my brain to wander to anxious lands, return home with jewels from them.

So as far as Lightningborn goes, things are still on pause. I’m still dealing with writers’ block, practically paralyzed at this point. I’m trying to go easy on myself regarding my inactivity for it. It feels downright pitiful now, like, “Taia, you don’t know how to outline a story anymore?” 😔

Stay safe! ~ Taia

All I can say is that I need more time. I’m not even sure what message is at the core of Lightningborn. I feel very “rebel without a cause”, “sailor without a boat”, “creator without a muse”, right now.

But I’m still going to be optimistic. Who knows what idea could come to me at midnight?

The funny thing is . . . My attention has shifted to poetry and painting now. I write some angsty poems and my paintings aren’t all that good, but something about them feel comforting. So, I’m going for it.

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