January 23rd, 2021 // Status Report
I’ve been seeing quite a few tweets on my timeline about what people want to do for themselves this year. The tweets haven’t been a long list of “resolutions”, if you will, but simply things that they want to do more of. A bunch of them were focused on self care and taking time for themselves, and I’m all for that.
I thought I’d create a small list of things I’d like to do for myself and why, so maybe in the future when things get rough, I can look back on this post and remember why doing XYZ is important and good for me. This is already sounding like a diary entry, huh? 😂
Play more ukulele
I’ve always wanted to play a music instrument. Let’s all collectively remember my 5th (fifth) grade year in elementary school. C’mon. Imagine you’re there, too.
I was on the school band and played the flute. Believe me when I tell you that I couldn’t make that instrument make a noise until the last two weeks of class. When I heard that note, I remember my eyes widening, because for that entire year, I genuinely thought the flute was broken. 😂 Yes, I was that bad at it.
Do I still think about impulsively buying an instrument now (like a violin, harp, and yes, a flute)? Absolutely. But I have the uke, so I will have to master one instrument first. That’s my only rule for myself: to play the ukulele consistently and actually know how to play more than two songs. Then I can advance.
Read more books
I already have a reading list mapped out. I’m that weirdo who rolled through 500 (five hundred) paged books in middle school. Now I can’t go a solid 30 (thirty) minutes reading. I need to read more – there are so many great books out there! (And I should probably do a dopamine fast . . .)
Watch more TV
I attended SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design) for my college of choice. When I tell you there was no time for reading for enjoyment, I mean this with sincerity. Our semesters were “quarters”, so you would be in class for 10 (ten) weeks and that would be it.
You would have a project due every week, sometimes two a week, for 30 (thirty) weeks a year. And these weren’t your standard math final or whatnot. The projects were paintings (oil or acrylic), sculptures, full play manuscripts, full feature length plays. And don’t be a pantser like me and figure out the true core of the story by the sixth week. Then you’re rewriting pages and pages for a full weekend, ripping out ten scenes and reworking the ones you had.
I can remember a few occasions where I did have free time and would squander it for no reason. I decided to make a paper clip curtain for my sculpture class back in my sophomore year. I used 3,500 (three thousand and five hundred) paper clips. It took me ten hours . . . Like, why didn’t I use clay? And why did my professor let me do that? 😂
All of this is to say: I missed a lot of good TV shows, and even when I had the spare time, sometimes I would be depressed and would lay around miserable. Not to blame SCAD for that – college by itself is stressful. But yeah, I’ve missed years of good TV, so I’d like to start catching up.
I’m definitely more of a “walk around the park” kind of girl, but I need to do some more home exercises. Yoga is calling my name, so I’m going to do that. I’d also like to build some strength back into my upper body. My arms have weakened over the years.
I took this weight-lifting class for my last year in high school and let me say, my gym teacher had my body ripped. I had muscular thighs, strong arms, and I could run much farther than I can know. I need to know my body’s limits, am I right?
This one is pretty meh. Like, okay, but the few times I stretched last year were memorable, so I need more of that in my life.
This would help with some of the depression: having a clean space. However, I also need a bigger room. That would help with the clutter. I’m thinking about writing a weekly chore list. Might help. (Also a bit meh. But I think everyone can appreciate a clean space.)
Like, hello, I only blog once a month these days.
I know, I know. Content schedule. Blah blah blah. But I still like writing blog posts . . . Another thing to ponder. I’ve been considering uploading more short stories on here, too. Just for fun, no Patreon subscription needed. Could work. 🤔 I need the exercise.
I keep struggling with the desire to make handkerchiefs and wash clothes. Blankets and scarves are cool, but I want to watch my finished projects pile up versus keep buying yarn. I’ll have to figure this out, too, because wearing a scarf you made would be the bomb.
If you don’t know, I’m suffering through some intense writers’ block. Some of it is my fault, some of it may be trauma-induced (since we’re in a pandemic and I recovered some repressed memories).
I want my work to be loved, to be enjoyed, so that means I have been constantly trying to guess what is good and what would work. I’ve been wondering about what kind of services to provide, since astrologers and other writers can provide a product of sort, whether it’s astrological tips or well-written fiction. I like to think I can provide well-written fiction, but because my people-pleaser switch is stuck in the on position, I’m always wondering if my work is good enough.
So, yeah, I have work to do. I know I made writing my job and it’s the foundation for my degree (dramatic writing), but I have to remember that writing is fun. I’ve lost the ability to make it fun. I think somehow when I started my Patreon, I sucked out even more fun out of writing because now I know that I have readers. Which is exactly what I wanted. But now there is a greater pressure to consistently create good work, and I think that is what has me paralyzed.
See, and I even want to throw out crap and admit it’s crap, but I don’t want anyone to see it. It’s a mess. I want to share my work in all of its stages, but then I’m like, “in all stages?”
I want to be honest about the process, but I don’t want to show the messiness. How do I do that?
I think I have too much of my ego invested in my work and I’m suffering for it. I can’t even daydream anymore without questioning the imaginary storyline.
Obviously, the response to “I’m not good enough” is to “study more until you feel more certain of yourself”. But when would I stop, ya know? How much would it take? 😂
So . . . long story short with this blog post is that I’m trying to stop beating myself up. My work, mental health, and overall sense of being will be better for it.
All in all, I’m trying to enjoy myself and my life more. Life is too short to be worried all the time. It only adds to my troubles. Also, notice how I didn’t quantify my goals. It’s probably a good idea to do that, but I want to ease into it. Even if I only do some of these things twice a week, I’d be good.
And if I had the patience to assemble a paperclip curtain, I can be more attentive and kinder to myself about my goals. I can adjust and adapt to my own needs. Sometimes, you have to.