“What now?” // Status Report

March 20th, 2021

Hi, everyone. It’s been a while. February was a peaceful month. I had called it (😂), although, it wasn’t very memorable.

Lately, I’ve been drifting in and out of certainty regarding my future, asking myself a ton of questions about what I want to do next. Basically, “What now?”-ing myself until my head feels like it’s full of bees. I hadn’t realized how much of my Past Self was banking on Future Self knowing what to do after graduating from college. I think I had hoped it would all click one day shortly after graduation, as if a sudden epiphany would help make the next two years of my life make sense.

Throw in a pandemic shutting down the entire world, and it feels like I’m staring into a void. The void is staring back, that’s for sure.

I feel like I finally got off a rollercoaster today. My beloved Dana had passed away the day before my birthday last year. The days leading up to my birthday this year had been tumultuous, to say the least. I hadn’t been able to celebrate last year since I was missing her so much and working, so having the day off to myself didn’t feel right. The anniversary of her death was the 18th (yes, just two days ago), and the way I had cried the night before . . . I’m not a big crier, but my heart aches remembering how hurt I had been that night. Going to work didn’t help until I was able to focus on what I was doing. It felt like a joke of some kind, me working the same day she had died, me working at the same place, doing the same thing. It felt like time had passed, but not enough.

“I’m still alive,” eventually entered my mind halfway through my shift. It eased the pain some as I remembered that Dana wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad the entire time. She used to tell me how she designated her showers to be the only time she spent stressing or crying about anything, and so remembering that I’m still alive felt like her patting me on the back and saying, “Time’s up.”

The morning of my birthday went a bit better. I still ended up crying, but it was different. Lighter, somehow. I think I made it through the roughest part.

Stay safe! ~ Taia

On top of these wonky emotions, my career advisor called me on the morning of the 18th to see what I had been up to. It’s funny how these two events made me realize that I’m still in the same place I was, even if it had been six months or a year since. The conversation with my advisor made me feel like I was running out of time, while remembering Dana’s passing made me felt that nothing had changed.

So, now I’m sitting here, wondering where do I want to be in two years? I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but my long-term planning abilities are gone. I can hardly see the week ahead, let alone two years. I have the weekend off, so I’m going to spend a good chunk of it brainstorming.

I have so much to think about. I have to consider my writing projects and routines, where I’d like to be employed, what I want to be doing . . . I’ve been putting it off for so long, but I think now is the time to think about it.

I also realized there’s so much riding on the three days I have free from my day job. I spend one day in Savannah, and then everything is riding on the other two days being mad productive. No wonder it’s getting rough out here.

Long story short, I’m stuck at the drawing board for a while.

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One thought on ““What now?” // Status Report

  1. Hi Taia. I’m so glad you’re back to writing. It’s been too long. There is so much inside you that is piling up and wanting out. You’re not in the same place you were six months ago. When you speak of your beloved Dana I can feel your pain. In the last year you’ve been slowly healing and moving forward on a daily basis. Baby steps. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to try and be somewhere in two years…cut yourself some slack and just take it a day at a time or even An hour at a time–together those days and hours will add up and you’ll be in a different head space. Keep writing. Don’t stop. Even if it’s just to moan…or question…or celebrate the small victories. It is therapeutic and you’re very good at it. thinking of you.

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