Goodbye, March . . .
March was a challenging month for me in more ways than one. Around the middle of the month, I sat down with myself and analyzed my weekly activities. I asked myself questions like, “How often do I write? Why don’t I write more? Why don’t I read more? Why haven’t I touched my ukulele in a few weeks? When am I going to finish that painting?”
Besides your obvious answer: “I’m tired! I know I’m not a surgeon or a air traffic controller, but I’m tired!”
My second less obvious answer to all of those WHYs was this: “I spend all day in Savannah once a week religiously. I only have two days out of the week to do all of those other things I want to do.”
Of course, this made me bury my head in the sand and scream . . . 😅
I think part of my problem is major depressive disorder. I’ve been noticing a shadow in my life these last few weeks and it’s hard to ignore. To counter it, I’ll schedule time to do some of the things I used to do more often (like knitting) or things that I’d like to start doing (learning Spanish), but then these fun activities start to feel like chores and I chicken out. Add this to working every other day at a job that requires you to be on your feet all day long, sleepless nights, feeling increasing anxiety about your loved ones dying in this pandemic . . . Then trying to handle your social media and write . . .
And now here we are in April. I didn’t fulfill all of my upload obligations for March and I feel a bit crummy about it. However, I also realized I’ve been shutting down on those two free days because of the pressure. Once I realized how much pressure and dopamine relied on those two days, I couldn’t handle it. But now that I know how much I rely on Future Me to be 100% (one hundred percent) productive two days a week, and knowing that it won’t always be possible, there’s now a sense of, “There’s no point in suffering. Just do whatever you want.”
I’ve been relaxing a bit with my social media presence and overall visibility because I have some rebranding to do. This idea of “refining myself” led to a new way to kill time and have fun while doing it: self-indulgence. Long story short, it’s like being selfish. I didn’t realize how little fun those two free days were for me. Always waking up in the morning, thinking about what I have to do or should be doing.
I would start my day worrying about how big my to do list was or “I should have woken up earlier,” etc. I haven’t fully let myself off the hook yet – I still want to have some deadlines, but I treated my two off days from my day job like two work days for me. And they still are, but I’m really working on having fun again. The theme for this blog post ties back into my first post for 2021. They both share the same idea: wanting to do more, but not suffer while doing so. Being able to take breaks and enjoy life.
Just last night, I was thinking about creating a schedule for my off days again, only to wake up late this morning and yet again berate myself. I’m still finding my way with this, social media, schedules, all of that, but I’m learning more and more that taking enjoyable breaks, spending time being in your body, and not always working on something is what I’d like to be doing. Life is too short to spend it suffering for yourself or for a corporation.
April is going to be about rebranding and slowing down, becoming more intentional with my time and energy. I’m hoping this month will be a blast.
On the Blog
- Farewell image created by @peachpodt on twitter.
- Mentioned post: 2021: The Year I Enjoy Myself // Jan. 23rd