Recalculating

May 28th, 2022

Hello, everyone. It has been a long time since I have written anything here, almost a year. Looking back now, I realize that my lack of activity came from a lack of inspiration. I used to be able to find inspiration quite easily, sometimes just from the way a breeze caressed my skin or how the air smelled like pollen and flower buds. Like millions of other writers (because there are millions of us), I was dealing with the dreaded writer’s block. Or so I thought.

Every creative individual knows this fellow (he goes by different names for every person). He shows up unannounced and stays far longer than he is welcomed. I used to think my problem was a lack of inspiration (and it was), but it was only half of the problem.

Environment matters far more than I expected, which explains why I have been away. Wrong environment + no inspiration + a lack of discipline (from decompressing from graduation) = no writing, creativity, no fun. Only suffering. I don’t believe in suffering, in a tongue in cheek, “this hard task can be made easier somehow” kind of way.

I am still working on the environment part, but I am pleased to say that the creativity has returned. I have been filling my phone’s memo app with short story ideas and blowing up my own email with articles to check out and youtube channels to mention in later posts. Long story short, I think I needed this break.

Starting something new is so hard, especially when you are starting from scratch. At zero (0). Once I realized I was burned out, I dropped everything at once and focused solely on recovering from the last two years. (I wish I hadn’t dropped everything.) I can’t be the only one who feels like recovering a full one hundred percent (100%) is nearly impossible, given the recent tragedies in the news. I used to think that settling on a niche would help me stay in creative flow, but my lack of discipline is keeping me from settling the matter for sure.

I drifted to tiktok in hopes that the strange app would get those creative juices flowing, but so far, I only talk about my garden. I came to the realization that I prefer to not be perceived and that presenting myself like an influencer, or even an expert in a given field (like life coaching, tarot reading), is not my jam. I will never pretend to know everything, and I am happy to say that I know nothing in the grand scheme of things. Freeing myself from this idea that I can teach someone something, like I know so much, has been a big step towards developing more discipline. It also makes learning easier.

So, let’s pivot to the past for a moment. What have I been up to? I moved back to my hometown (this is the only city that really felt like home to me). I managed to finish two books this year so far. As of last week, I started exercising. I am disgruntled to say that getting your blood pumping does make you feel better. The fact that I was exercising made me get a hit of dopamine because I was proud of myself. I found some more Youtube channels I liked (more about that later) and I have prioritized taking care of my mental health by intentionally resting and enjoying my time away from work.

I like to think that I finally set down the idea of having a niche. I think trying to stuff yourself in a box only suffocates you, and like I said, removing the limits on what I can talk about and create removed some of the pressure. I used to agonize over the type of content I would create and share, hence the several blog posts about switching things up and “changing”. I had all of the excitement, but when it came to following through and making the things I said I would, I would lose all interest due to fear. So, after my promises fell flat, a few months later, the excitement would come back, and the same thing would happen: I would chicken out.

One of my friends reminded me that the first few years of any creative career should be experimental, so the niche that I thought I needed so much would only develop in time anyway. But the most important part about experimenting is that there should be a joy to play around and find out what works. There is no failure, only adapting and recalculating. Like many people, my fear of failure stops me from doing so much.

Another friend asked me, “What if you could never fail?

Moving forward, I am going to ask myself when the fear inevitably comes for me. What if it all works out? What if my creation is great? Even if it’s not well-received, what if I am proud of it after I’m done? I was so prepared for disappointment that I stopped considering the idea of being proud of myself and my accomplishments. I got used to tearing my work apart and looking for flaws. Any future project became intimidating because there was already something wrong with it – that I wasn’t ready to make it, or even accept the future mistakes that I was going to make.

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Stay safe! ~ Taia

I am going to do my best to move on with this part of my life. I want to make things that I like, and I need to give myself the proper time to do so. No more rushing. I admit the lack of planning is also part of my problem, but why plan something that is doomed to fail? This was the mindset I had. Let’s be more optimistic now.

Long story short: I am expecting a much happier 2022 because I will be making stuff I like and enjoying myself more than I did last year.

I have some grand plans for my media consuming habits. I want to finish reading A Year After, by Ashley Warner, as well as begin watching Stranger Things, The Gentlemen, and Love, Death, and Robots on Netflix. I want to create more tiktoks that aren’t about my garden, and I want to develop more self-discipline so I can share more of my stories with you all.

You can expect some overdue WIP updates from me, as well as a few mini-series about random stuff I’ve been pondering for a while. I’ll also go over some of the following youtube channels (and more) in a little while.

Thank you for reading. I will see you soon.

About those youtube channels I mentioned earlier

Artsy

  • HamRib Art
  • Misako Flodin
  • Jess Karp
  • Hanabira
  • Paint Coach

(I have a few more that I will list in another blog post)

Exercise

  • MadFit
  • FIT by Larie
  • Fitbymik