9 of Cups reversed, or I realized why I don’t have that “big girl job” yet

February 19th, 2023

I think it’s time to summarize winter quarter.

If you have stumbled on my blog and if you’re wondering what I’m talking about, read this post.

In my last #quarterlygoalupdate, I mentioned how I was working on my outline for Blood of the Fallen. It is a challenging, ongoing process. Writing this new manuscript is much more difficult than it was before; it was so much easier to crank out a draft in high school. Going to college and being taught about the “right way” to write or paint has definitely removed some of the magic and innate ease I had the pleasure of experiencing when creating art. Techniques are important, but they can back you into a corner.

I had an epiphany a few weeks ago while I was staring at the blank page on my computer. I was examining the last few years since I graduated (it’s already been three years! Can you believe it?) and I was asking myself why I hadn’t found my way into a writer’s room in Los Angeles or New York.

I was wondering, “Why did I stay put? Why am I still a barista? šŸ˜¤”

I went to college for a hobby. I was taking my writing too seriously. Don’t get me wrong: I still love writing, but it hasn’t been the same for me in years. Back when I was a teenager imagining my successful adult years, I never imagined being in a writer’s room collaborating on a TV show. I imagined being in my study, writing my latest manuscript with a shelf full of my published books behind me. The daydream was full of sunshine, joy, and pride that I had published so many books and still enjoyed writing. Writing was a hobby for me, and it should have stayed that way.

I’m not saying going to college for writing was a mistake, but it did ruin a bit of the mystery and the fun of asking myself, “What happens next?”

Quite a few of my teachers preached about how writing an outline could solve so many plot problems, and they were right, but I felt that I needed to figure everything out before I began writing the book. And my brain was (still is) so weird that once I hashed out the outline, the desire to follow through and write the book was gone because in my mind, because of the completed outline, I felt that I had already finished writing the book. It’s weird, crazy, but once I realized this about myself, I knew I needed to approach my outline for Blood of the Fallen differently.

A few months ago, I started to feel guilty about my lack of a “big girl job”. I thought that I was making the wrong choices when it came to my life and career. When COVID first hit and the world was frozen with me, I enjoyed the lack of urgency (on my end) of figuring out the next step and advancing my career. I felt at peace with where I was, and writing was a bit easier then, too, because everyone was sitting still with me. Now that the world is on the move again, I feel behind. Of course, I do. It’s my own fault – I didn’t go after that “big girl job”. I didn’t relocate or find an agent, you know? I stayed where I was.

I realized I did that because subconsciously, I wanted to be where I was for the most part. I wanted writing to stay a hobby. I wanted the fun of slowly discovering the story; I didn’t want to urgently plot out a feature film because I was sending it to a studio. I wanted to enjoy writing like I used to.

I say all of this to say that I took myself too seriously, that I never intended to start a career in Los Angeles, not the way my fellow writers do. And you know what? Kudos to them! I’m glad they knew what they wanted to accomplish. I’m only saying I found my own path. Luckily for me, the career part still worked out: I’m opening a coffee shop soon, so I suppose I can call this my “big girl job”. Same energy, different industry.

Now I won’t have to write like I need each word to pay for my meals. I can write for fun again. I still want to self-publish most, if not all, of my works, but the pressure to publish as soon as possible is gone now. Writing takes time, writing well takes even longer. I have to be able to give myself the grace and time that I deserve. My future readers deserve a well-written novel, movie, etc.

So, about Blood of the Fallen, I’m roughly six thousand (6,000) words in and I had the strangest idea to turn Axe into a woman. She will still go by Axe, of course, and I’m tempted to fool around with this idea for a little bit to see if the words flow better. Why not?

I haven’t made any progress on reading Beautiful by Renee Ahdieh, so I decided to open Renegade by Marissa Meyer instead. The tarot quizzes are taking the backburner. I’m a bit rusty with my interpretations, but rest assured that I still want to share my love of tarot with you. Please remember any interpretations I share with you are based on my intuitive interpretations, as well as a few books focused on interpreting tarot cards.

9 of Cups: on the cusp of happiness and fulfillment, relief, jubilation

Reversed 9 of Cups: unhappiness, a sense that something is missing, depression