March 1st, 2023
I read a post on Reddit about how for some people, they struggle to follow through with their goals because they mentioned them to other people. Something about revealing their plans for their lives, career, etc. suddenly made their objectives so much harder to accomplish. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t guilty of this. I feel a sense of obligation to follow through, which I thought was the point, but overtime, it slowly becomes paralyzing. I begin to feel like I’m in school, mentioning my progress to my professor in the hallway.
I don’t have an answer for why I feel like this after a while. It’s annoying and it gets in my way, so I’m going to try to push through it. I considered being brief about my updates regarding Blood of the Fallen, if I wanted to mention it at all.
I know I’m not the only one having a creative block, but it is different from writers’ block. This is burnout, caused by what I endured in the last few years. I can’t say life has been sweet and easy for a while. I have had moments of peace and contentment over the years, but they weren’t enough to keep me inspired and motivated. I kept mentioning a “content change” on my blog for years now, because I was uncertain about what I wanted to share with you. I still am.
I have been trying to be patient and understanding with myself. In college, I was taught that almost every thought you think can be used for marketing, that you should build a personal brand and be consistent. I agree with most of this, but I have always found it difficult to be so transparent to strangers. I know some of you have been reading my blog for a while and may be waiting for that content change. I want to follow through, like I’ve said, but again: life has been so hard.
It has been a struggle to be creative. We are all fighting through our days, to get back into our beds and enjoy the safety of sleep. Creating art has become an arduous task, especially since I have these tiny moments of inspiration when I’m not near my desk. I will feel a spark catch in my mind at the second something inspires me, but the spark dies too fast. I can’t nurture it in time. I can’t seem to coax the tiny flame to life. I am back in that dark place where I doubt if I am capable of creating, following through, executing things decently. Not even perfect, just decent.
I realized I have control and perfectionist issues, so you can imagine how much harder this creative drought has been. Maybe no one told me this explicitly, but growing up, I felt that I couldn’t make mistakes. I couldn’t feel sad or upset, because there was homework to finish or another task of importance waiting for me. I was never taught how to fail or when to stop because you’re fatigued. So, when you add in our collective trauma of the world shutting down, trying to make ends meet, watching your peers go on to work at the “big girl” job . . . You start to feel like a failure. I know I did.
After I remembered that writing used to be a hobby for me and I had made the mistake of taking it too seriously, I felt so much relief. It was like a healing balm, you know? Like someone telling me, “Why so serious? This is for fun! Always has been.”
Opening the coffee shop is a whole other monster, and I’m a bit concerned about it, too. I consider the shop to be my day job, so writing can become soothing for me again. Since having this realization, I have been struggling (yay, of course) to approach writing like a hobby. In my heart of hearts, it still feels like a possible career, and it is! But not the way I was taught. I can’t look at writing the same way anymore, and it’s starting to scare me. I am worried that I took much damage to the left side of my brain. Do you know what I mean?
I’m trying to find my way back home through this weird flood of grief, loss, demotivation. Every once in a while, I can see a glowing beam from the sun behind the clouds and it lights the dark path in front of me, makes me think I’ve caught a glimpse of my house. My heart is full of hope and fear, and with every push down the stream, I pray I am getting closer.
Regarding my goals for spring quarter, I am still working on Blood of the Fallen; With any luck, I can finish the first draft by the end of the year. Otherwise, my beloved coffee shop is taking up a good bit of time. I took a few days of this week off because I was burned out beyond belief, so I’m hoping tomorrow will feel like a brand new day. I feel alright, but this past weekend was rough on me. Unfortunately, I haven’t made any progress on reading Renegade, but I have been reading quite a few astrology articles. I’m following quite a few astrologers on Patreon, and it is worth the money. I’ll have to consider that to be my reading.
As far as hobbies go, I learned how to crochet last year, and I like it so much more than knitting. I still have all of my knitting supplies because I plan to get back to it one day. My ukulele is still calling out to me, as is my easel and oil paint. I’ll have to see what I get up to this quarter. I need to immerse myself into these hobbies, as they might help keep the burnout at bay. I took six days off this week, so you know I was “cooked”, as my boyfriend says.
I wish I had more news regarding the content change. I know I mentioned makeup in the past, but that was before my second COVID vaccination triggered my alopecia to go crazy. I lost one hundred percent (100%) of my body hair. I looked like an egg. My eyelashes have almost made a full recovery, but my self-esteem went straight to hell and stayed there for a while. I will figure something out, though, because I want to go back to blogging every week. That was a nice time. I want to write about tarot, astrology, alopecia, and a few other things. You’ll see very soon, I hope.
I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week and stay safe!
Reversed 3 of Wands: delayed plans, slowing down, procrastination
Reversed 8 of Cups: refusal to move on from something that no longer fulfills you, ignoring your creative process, departure